| Update on life |
12-21-02 at 03:28pm |
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Hey everybody..I don't know where to start. My new "friend" casey is moving soon..not too bad though, we're not close. Mary and I areeeeee pretty gooooood :) I miss her though..holy crap I haven't seen her in like 2 weeks. But I think I get to see her after christmas..or we are gunna try. I gotta go get her present soon..I know what to gettttt her :) :) mwahahaha..Got the glassjaw - worship and tribute cd from tricia..the cover insert is awesome..it's clear with a record needle on it, and the cd is a record so it looks like a turntable almost...very cool :D I'm listening to bats and mice right now..yumm..I wonder if its possible to have withdrawls from someome? :-/ :-/ I am going to go clean and wait for mary to get online or something..I might go see her tonight..just stop by and say hi and stuff..give her a hug. anyways..I'm out.
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| im so tired |
12-19-02 at 09:56pm |
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if I don't stop feeling left out I'm going to shoot myself in the face. goodnight.
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| hand me down heart |
12-08-02 at 06:44pm |
tattered up eyes
ratted hair to match
so tired of hurting
that I'm forgetting to watch.
and the way it counts me out
is an amount too much for me
packing my bags and moving out
I've had enough of what I see.
Losing all my faith
if I ever had any at all
I'm so confused I can't tell
the difference between the horizon, the wall.
I don't know my feelings, I guess I'll call them glad.
I'm losing my faith in myself
and all the friends I thought I had.
I never thought I'd be saying this
I was never good at giving up
but now that this is loaded
I've fucking finally had enough.
I don't care how much it stings
I don't care how much it hurts
I don't care for much anymore
but I'm going to erase everything.
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| never enough.. |
11-28-02 at 01:05am |
the first person I trusted with everything..well never kiss, well never make love, well never breathe together, well never cuddle, well never taste each other, well never have fun together..in love, well never play after we make love, well never even love. well..you wont. I will always. like a dream I can't forget. over and over in my head. and I'll be here when you tell me about your new boyfriend, and the first time you make love to him..and I'll cry and fuck myself up and put on a brand new smile..just for you. I'd kill myself just for you.
I'm all fucking alone. She went to bed, it was too much for her..at least she's feeling better..all my friends are either stoned , don't care, or are away.
I'm alone.
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11-26-02 at 07:49pm |
I miss you..the way we talked, without talking at all. the way you kissed me. the way I understand you. please tell me it's not one sided this time? Please tell me you feel some of the things I do..
this week..this week sucked. Tomorrow is the only good thing so far, and that's seeing mary..I'm not too sure if she's too psyched about that or not though. It's at her cousins for a family dinner..wooo guess who's going to feel out of place? oh well, that's okay. I want to see her. Someone thought it'd be amusing I guess to tell mary I was taking Tricia to salem to spend the weekend with me. Nice people these days..lemme tell ya. nah..maybe they weren't trying to screw things up, maybe they just heard it from someone else. i dunno. But it's not true. which pisses me off. but hey..what do ya do?
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| not complaining..I like the pain. |
11-26-02 at 05:04pm |
the cycle started early this morning. The same thing every morning. The same amount of noise at the table I eat at with my family..the people I don't know. Somehow I manage to make it home, and I can never put into understandable words the staggering feelings I get when I walk in the door. Out of place. Akward. Lonely. Angry. Your same ugly face greets me every day..usually in a nasty way that makes me feel dirty..like I'm not worth shit you stepped in from our backyard. I can hear it in the tone of your voice, in the way you speak to me. When I come home everyday I look in garage to check for his car..to find it gone, is a relief. No, it's more than that. It's a miracle..a release. I don't feel scared or threatened as much when he's not home. Yes, I'm afraid of both of you. The only time I snapped wasn't enough to make you learn..I still heard the daggers in your tone. They took their toll everyday when I shut my eyes at night. Like clocking out from work. I thankyou now for letting me grow up alone. It made me ready. I hated you then, and almost still do. Because it hurt beyond belief. There was no light at the end of the tunnel..well..maybe headlights. headed for me. There was no hope left..in anything. Maybe if there was I would have more feeling for you now. But I let go a long time ago. About the time I was so afraid of you I would hide. I thankyou for the roof over my head, I hate you for the pain I was fed. I thankyou for giving me the knowledge of loneliness, isolation. I hate you for the same thing. I thankyou for trying to keep me in line. I fucking hate you for using your fists. I thankyou for giving me passion about one thing in life..even if you told me I would just fuck that up too. You can't break that. I thankyou for making me cry, I hate you for making me admit I do. I thankyou for the food you gave me to eat, even if you often yelled at me or horassed me for eating it. I hate you for being so two faced. The holes in my walls from the anger you gave me, you blamed on me. Who taught me anger? I hate you for destroying the things I loved. I watched you pick out things to smash, and when I saw you come to the choice between my tv, or my amp..and you chose my amp, I hated you for wanting to make me hurt. I hate you for making me not feel, for making me not relate to any of my friends..for giving me the knowledge of what it is to not want to live. I hate you for laughing in my face when I came to you for help about losing my best friend to suicide. I hate you for making me. I love you for being my parents.
-</3-
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| what are friends for? |
11-24-02 at 03:40pm |
the way you laugh is enough
to shake my insides cold
and when you smile even though I'm broken
if you're looking at me I'll smile for you too.
Even though we're broken, I'd smile for you too.
after all, what are friends for?
and at last I've found..
that I've found everything or nothing at all.
I'm waiting for you to let me know
if it's going to hurt I ask to make it hurt now
then forget me, it's that simple.
and after I can stop to open my eyes
you won't need to thank me..
after all, what are friends for?
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| a wish for wings that work |
11-23-02 at 12:41am |
Could I end my life with a knife sharpened of problems
sweet satisfaction of a night sky with horns
a papercut bleeds like a cut vein
could this sky open up and accept this tortured soul
but my wings have yet to work
change means nothing
when nothing wants to change
save your strength for the first disappointment
break this mirror that changes you
forever is such an unpleasant word
it begins to eat you / from the inside out
blood stains on the wall / beg for sleep
as the noose is tied around your neck
Wrap around
the white pavement feels so inviting
so lie back and gain bruises with me
it's been a long time since I've seen you from above
your still beautiful
leave here we'll start something new in our embrace
with that crash your parts into mine
intoxicate me
with your many voices
and I'll never leave you I'll never leave here
so lost inside of you till now I think we waited so long
lock your doors and close your shades
I'll never find
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| update |
11-19-02 at 11:04pm |
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hey people. just wanted to let you know that poem a couple posts back. about making love and such..yeah. I didn't write it. to clear up confusion.
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| perfect |
11-19-02 at 10:26pm |
the smell of gasoline ignited
my hands ached from the flames
I held the feelings down for quiet
poured alchohol on my wounds so I can feel the pain.
everytime I get ahead
I'll be sure to fuck it up
ignite my vision red
like the gaping hole wasn't enough
I'm going crazy I can't take it this time
everything is fading black
I'm running in circles I'm tearing up my veins
I'm screaming so hard I can't feel a thing
the headlights are coming faster
and for the first time today I can feel the smile coming
it spreads across my face, yeah now I'm happy.
happy I can feel the metal screeching through me
ripping me apart
and with my last swallow I'd cough up everything you meant to me.
right in front of your eyes for you to hold
I'd cough up my lungs for you to set on fire.
we can be perfect whenever you breathe..
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| backstabbers. |
11-17-02 at 11:38pm |
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someone close to me just lost their really good childhood friends..or it feels like she is losing them and they don't care..and it ruined her night..after we had an amazing day..that pisses me off. I hate backstabbers.
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11-17-02 at 06:19pm |
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*melts into a giant puddle of joe joe* the way she is..*screams* someone better save me. I gave her something that means alot to me tonight..I've never given it to anyone before, really.. :-/
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| poem |
11-16-02 at 08:09pm |
Legs wrapped around each other with hands caressing,
Teeth pulling and unzipping and fingertips undressing.
Eyes observing sleepily and adjusting to the light,
The entanglement of love is such a peculiar and
beautiful sight,
Lips to collarbone and hands to inner thigh,
Before arriving at slippery sensitivity as soft and
pink as the clouds in the afternoon sky.
How magnificent she is with her brown eyes and
coated lashes,
That look into pretty blue wonders as precious
time passes.
Hands cradle a small waist to draw warmth near,
How exciting it is to have him whispering in her ear.
Breath escaping at intervals that will slowly pass,
Squirming beauty under a gentle, attractive mass.
How nice it is to see temptation at work within
the mind,
Adore her little navel as her supple body awash in
candle light is outlined.
Along the wall combined with every move he causes
her to make,
The manipulations that make her quiver--the unexpected
surprises that make her shake.
Until it's over..eyes observing sleepily and adjusting
to the light,
The entanglement of love is such a peculiar and
beautiful sight..
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| I won't let you see |
11-06-02 at 11:28pm |
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you dont know how much the steam inside me is screaming sometimes I'm running in circles sometimes im smiling but im always crying. When you pay to say goodbye, where are you off to? when you pay to say your goodbyes..where are you off to?
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| good god.. |
11-05-02 at 03:04am |
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mood |
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 flirty |
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music |
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the drone of my computer |
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have you ever imagined finding someone who can take the worst..most painful thing of your entire life and completely set it behind you with the way they hold you? Or the way their lips collide against yours, sometimes biting. Always passionate. But never have to worry about things going too far..because you're so in love with that person you know you wouldn't let your cravings..or desires destroy what you have? The way your hands slide down the curves of their body, your skin touching stomach to stomach. Legs intertwined. The way their breath escapes in short excited gasps..gasping for more..especially when they say I love you in your ear.
I found her tonight..or more like I found I had always had her.
god, she's beautiful. She's perfect. She fixes all of me. This time I'm not just saying it. and god, she's all mine.
making love is an instant cure for depression. It releases endorphins into
the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with
a feeling of well-being.
wow..maybe that's why I feel so great around mary :D just seeing her smile is making love..woo boy.
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| song |
11-03-02 at 02:46pm |
The sky was dark this morning
Not a bird in the trees
And silence hung suspicious and anxious
Like a blanket covered scream
And you were gone
You were not there for me
And I cursed the sky and begged the sun to
Fall all over me
This life's not living, baby
Living ain't free
If I can't find my way back to me
Let the sun fall down over me
Let the sun fall down
All my friends are searching
Quiet, desperately
Look into their eyes you'll see the faithless crying
Save me, save me, save me
And what are they to feel
And who are they to be
And what am I to do with, do with me, but let the sun
Fall all over me
This life's not living, baby
Living ain't free
If I can't find my way back to me
Let the sun fall down over me
Let the sun fall down
Until my eyes cry out
'Til my head is free from doubt
'Til my lungs sigh right out
'Til I'm wiser
Let the sun
Fall all over me
This life's not living, baby
Living ain't free
If I can't find my way back to me
Let the sun fall down over me
Let the sun fall down
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| what to do.. |
11-02-02 at 06:18pm |
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should I stay..or should I let her go? about two people..I've been fighting thoughts for a while..maybe I'll talk them out with her later..as for the other..I can't believe she did what she did.
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| just when everythings fine. |
10-29-02 at 07:28am |
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Just when I thought everything was great. my worries were right. yeah. what a surprise.
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